WWE’s Tables, Ladders, Chairs… and Stairs aired live Sunday night from the Quicken Loans Arena. This show comes off the heels of WWE’s NXT extravaganza Takeover: R/Evolution. The entire wrestling world stood on its heels and waited to see what the WWE guys would do at TLC. While the show overall was a disappointment, there were some bright spots.
The kickoff show featured New Day vs. Gold and Stardust. In the past week or so we’ve seen every combination of New Dayer vs. a brother of dust, so by the time this match came around we were already sick of the pairing. This time it was Big E. and Kofi Kingston, with Xavier Woods on the outside. The first thing to notice about this match was that Stardust mixed in some green into his face paint and ring attire. This lead to the announce team talking about Great Gazoo throughout the entire match.
Kofi and Goldust started the match. JBL kept mentioning how New Day was hiding something because they were “too happy.” After some rolling around in the ring Kofi and Goldie did some irish whipping and arm drags. Kofi tagged in Big E. and they did a splash/bump tandem move. That’s when the announce team started talking about that time Fonzie jumped the shark. Why not just call the match? Is it because nothing is happening? Stardust tags in and we get more irish whips, a go behind, and Big E. bumping Stardust. Yawn.
Things don’t heat up until Kofi runs the ropes, and then Big E. tosses him over his head and he planchas on the outside where Dusty’s kids are. That’s when the commentary guys start doing Great Gazoo trivia. King, more interested in Great Gazoo than the match, asks what Great Gazoo looked like. Well, here he is, for all those curious parties.
Kofi and Goldust started the match. JBL kept mentioning how New Day was hiding something because they were “too happy.” After some rolling around in the ring Kofi and Goldie did some irish whipping and arm drags. Kofi tagged in Big E. and they did a splash/bump tandem move. That’s when the announce team started talking about that time Fonzie jumped the shark. Why not just call the match? Is it because nothing is happening? Stardust tags in and we get more irish whips, a go behind, and Big E. bumping Stardust. Yawn.
Things don’t heat up until Kofi runs the ropes, and then Big E. tosses him over his head and he planchas on the outside where Dusty’s kids are. That’s when the commentary guys start doing Great Gazoo trivia. King, more interested in Great Gazoo than the match, asks what Great Gazoo looked like. Well, here he is, for all those curious parties.
Meanwhile, Kofi is a house of fire, chopping Gold and Stardust, and doing some corner moves before getting halted by Goldust. In the middle of the tussle, Goldust throws an expletive at Xavier Woods on the outside. Stardust puts Kofi Kingston in a modified Boston Crab. After Stardust pounds Kofi with some fists Kofi comes out of it with green paint all over his face. Kofi tosses Stardust to the outside, allowing himself a breather. Big E. eventually gets the hot tag and the former Mr. Langston railroads both brothers. Big E. then gives Stardust a big belly-to-belly suplex and punctuates it with a splash off the ropes. As he goes for the Big Ending, Goldust jumped in the ring, and Big E. drops Stardust and picks Goldust up for the same move. Goldie was able to get out of it by grabbing the ropes. Stardust uses the distraction to go to the top rope and sidekick Big E. The match ends when Kofi tags in, and Big E is able to get Stardust up for a Big Ending with a top rope assist by Kofi. Big E tries for the cover, but the ref pulls him off since he’s not the legal man, and Kofi jumps on. 1-2-3, New Day wins.
The PPV kicked off with an Intercontinental ladder match between champion Luke Harper and challenger Dolph Ziggler. Ziggler, the hometown boy, came out with a Kent State hoodie. He also wore the old Cleveland Browns elf on the back of his tights. This worried me, since historically in wrestling the hometown boy gets humiliated. The Intercontinental Championship has a long history in ladder matches. The most famous of these was the match between Razor Ramon and Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania X. That match featured two guys using wrestling moves, and strategically looking for ways to use ladders creatively in their moves. This was not going to be that at all.
All I can say is that this was not a wrestling match; this was two guys hitting each other with ladders. From the very beginning Luke Harper threw Ziggler into a ladder on the outside, and then picked him up and tossed him into the timekeeper’s area. From there it was anything goes, as Ziggler came to and tipped Harper off his ladder. That prompted more ladders, more violence, and more shortening of careers.
The most cringe worthy spot came when Dolph was setting up a ladder on the outside, and Harper did a tope through the ropes, through the ladder, and onto Ziggler. In the middle of all that he got his arm caught in the rungs as the ladder came down. The expression on Harper’s face was enough to tell you that his arm had to be broken after that move.
The most cringe worthy spot came when Dolph was setting up a ladder on the outside, and Harper did a tope through the ropes, through the ladder, and onto Ziggler. In the middle of all that he got his arm caught in the rungs as the ladder came down. The expression on Harper’s face was enough to tell you that his arm had to be broken after that move.
Late in the match Dolph Ziggler had his forehead busted. The ringside physician came out and tended to him. The crowd booed, maybe because they thought it was Dr. Amann, whom CM Punk buried in his interview with Colt Cabana. Either that or they were booing because the doctor could call the match, or keep Ziggler from getting back in the ring, which meant Harper could go for the easy win. I figured it was the latter because Harper immediately began climbing the ladder to get to the title belt. At this point Ziggler begged off the doctor, jumped back in the ring and stopped Luke Harper from getting that title belt. The Cleveland crowd was seriously into this match.
The match finally ended when Dolph Ziggler sandwiched Luke Harper in between two ladders and jumped over to the standing ladder positioned underneath the belt. As he reached for the belt Harper came to, grabbed his own ladder and tried to climb alongside Dolph. Ziggler put an end to that notion, and the match when he super kicked Harper off his ladder, and grabbed the championship belt. Kudos to Dolph Ziggler and Luke Harper; they put on an amazing match. The crowd loved it, and the fans watching on PPV loved it.
Unfortunately that’s where the applause stopped. The Uso Brothers came out with their Slammy statues and brought the rest of the show down. Miz and Mizdow came out next with their own Slammys. Now, coming out with your Slammy was funny when Owen Hart did it, but does everyone have to do it now? Earlier on the pre-show, Miz approached Uso #1’s wife with Hollywood opportunities. He told her that he can make her a star if he wins walks out of TLC with his gold intact. This storyline had been progressing for a while on Raw and Smackdown. At one point Uso #1 came out and slapped the crap out of Miz, telling him to stay away from his wife. The way it was foreshadowed on the pre-show; I thought it would pay off tonight. Not that I want it to. I’m a proponent of long-term booking. But it wouldn’t shock me if Naomi had swerved the Usos tonight.
This was your standard Uso match. A few flips, some dives, and that “Usocrazy” move to the outside. “We want Mizdow” chants happened. Note that Miz got no chants, even though he’s a hometown boy like Ziggler. One funny spot that happened was when the Uso’s held up Miz for a long suplex Mizdow did a handstand in the corner. This got big laughs from the Cleveland crowd.
This was your standard Uso match. A few flips, some dives, and that “Usocrazy” move to the outside. “We want Mizdow” chants happened. Note that Miz got no chants, even though he’s a hometown boy like Ziggler. One funny spot that happened was when the Uso’s held up Miz for a long suplex Mizdow did a handstand in the corner. This got big laughs from the Cleveland crowd.
The Usos won after Miz decided he had enough and clocked one of the brothers with a Slammy and put an end to this wrestling nonsense. While it was a classic bad guy move I didn’t care to see another disqualification, this time on PPV. I’m tired of disqualifications on free TV after a good long match. Why does WWE feel we deserve to see it on special events as well? Also, why is Miz still doing the Figure Four? Ric Flair anointed him a long while back, and then buried him on a recent episode of Raw. Even if that wasn’t the case they should still be saving that move for Charlotte Flair when she debuts on the main roster.
Byron Saxton interviews Seth Rollins. Rollins dedicates his future victory to The Authority, and then blames “The Vigilante” Sting for forcing HHH and Stephanie to sit and watch the show at home. Rollins ends the interview by saying that he will continue to be a thorn in Cena’s side until he brings The Authority back.
Byron Saxton interviews Seth Rollins. Rollins dedicates his future victory to The Authority, and then blames “The Vigilante” Sting for forcing HHH and Stephanie to sit and watch the show at home. Rollins ends the interview by saying that he will continue to be a thorn in Cena’s side until he brings The Authority back.
For the next match WWE has a “tale of the tape,” not for the participants in the match, but for the steel steps. They go into completely fictional attributes for these stairs. Now, I understand that wrestling is “fake” but gee, please, at least try to make it somewhat believable when talking about how these aluminum steps, that look like a light as a feather, could weight 300 pounds and resist 2,200 pounds of pressure! Please!
The Stairs Match is a bit of a joke as two big lugs go out there and throw around steps like a couple of huge goons. This is why no one can achieve on the main roster. WWE is too busy trying to put over these giants that can barely move as it is, and it’s even worse when they have to pick up these big steps and make us believe that they’re just the heaviest objects on earth. At one point Big Show puts steps on the announce table. Michael Cole says to JBL “John, move those steps.” To which he answers, “Are you kidding? I couldn’t lift them when I was champion!” I’m sure some Internet detective has already gone back into the archives and found footage of John Bradshaw Layfield, as champion, lifting up steel steps and using them on his opponent.
The Stairs Match is a bit of a joke as two big lugs go out there and throw around steps like a couple of huge goons. This is why no one can achieve on the main roster. WWE is too busy trying to put over these giants that can barely move as it is, and it’s even worse when they have to pick up these big steps and make us believe that they’re just the heaviest objects on earth. At one point Big Show puts steps on the announce table. Michael Cole says to JBL “John, move those steps.” To which he answers, “Are you kidding? I couldn’t lift them when I was champion!” I’m sure some Internet detective has already gone back into the archives and found footage of John Bradshaw Layfield, as champion, lifting up steel steps and using them on his opponent.
A “Big Show sucks” chant starts. I concur wholeheartedly! Another cringe worthy spot happens when Eric Rowan had Big Show down on a set of stairs and then he was trying to squash him with a top rope stair crunch. Big Show tried to move out of the way, but the stairs clipped his hip as he rolled out. This caused a legit injury to his hip, as we would later find out. It was obvious by looking at the spot that he was hurt. Big Show paid Rowan back by spearing him into a Tetris tower Rowan made with the steps earlier in the match. “Stair bowling” is what Michael Cole called it.
The match mercifully ended when Big Show knockout punched Eric Rowan and covered him with some stairs while referee John Cone counted the pin fall. So, Big Red’s push has come to an end. When Vince McMahon wonders why these millennials can’t reach up and grab those brass rings, this is why. What does Big Show gain from winning here? Nothing. While Eric Rowan, the guy WWE is trying to push is made out to look like a goof.
Tables Match between number one contender John Cena and Mr. Money in the Bank Seth Rollins is next. If John Cena loses he is no longer number one contender for Brock Lesnar’s title. Just to note, this match was made by a computer, a (expletive deleted) computer! So, the very notion that the announcers bring up about who will be the number one contender if Cena loses since there is no more Authority is null and void. Because someone obviously made this match, so someone obviously has to name a new number one contender. And why is this match in the middle of the card and not the main event? The way it ends makes it a perfect segue into Monday Night Raw.
Interesting to note that Paul Heyman is standing at ringside for this match. The match begins with the two competitors staring each other down. They punch each other and Cena whips Rollins into the corner and bulldogs him into the mat. J&J Security jumps on the apron and Cena takes them out. With Cena distracted, Rollins gets the jump on him, kicking him in a corner and yelling things at Cena. Heyman just looks on.
Interesting to note that Paul Heyman is standing at ringside for this match. The match begins with the two competitors staring each other down. They punch each other and Cena whips Rollins into the corner and bulldogs him into the mat. J&J Security jumps on the apron and Cena takes them out. With Cena distracted, Rollins gets the jump on him, kicking him in a corner and yelling things at Cena. Heyman just looks on.
Cena grabs a table out from under the ring and puts it in the ring. J&J pulls the table out of the ring and Cena is distracted once again. Rollins attacks him and then pulls his own table out. Cena stops him and throws him back in the ring. Meanwhile a guy in the crowd yells, “Cena, you suck!” A tug of war ensues between J&J Security and Cena. Rollins capitalizes on the distraction for a third time. He sets a table up in the corner. Cena goes to powerbomb Rollins, but J&J Security keeps it from happening.
Rollins sets a table up vertically against the corner. He pounds on Cena and the match just halts for a few minutes. At this point no one has really done anything. Each time Cena goes for an AA J&J Security steps in. What a great group of friends! Cena grabs a barricade at one point and starts ramming Rollins and J&J with it. He suplexes Jamie Noble onto the barricade, to which JBL says “Noble is gonna be calling Nydia hurt.” Nice callback there. Cena then takes out Mercury by giving him an AA into the timekeeper’s area. Man, that area sure has been getting a workout tonight.
Rollins sets up two tables on the outside of the ring. The match continues with more pounding between the two men. Rollins tries to give Cena a suplex onto the two tables, but Cena reverses it. There is then more pounding, more Irish whipping. Rollins is limping a little bit.
Rollins sets a table up vertically against the corner. He pounds on Cena and the match just halts for a few minutes. At this point no one has really done anything. Each time Cena goes for an AA J&J Security steps in. What a great group of friends! Cena grabs a barricade at one point and starts ramming Rollins and J&J with it. He suplexes Jamie Noble onto the barricade, to which JBL says “Noble is gonna be calling Nydia hurt.” Nice callback there. Cena then takes out Mercury by giving him an AA into the timekeeper’s area. Man, that area sure has been getting a workout tonight.
Rollins sets up two tables on the outside of the ring. The match continues with more pounding between the two men. Rollins tries to give Cena a suplex onto the two tables, but Cena reverses it. There is then more pounding, more Irish whipping. Rollins is limping a little bit.
To count there are two tables on the outside, and another table set up against the corner. Rollins rolls over to grab his Money in the Bank briefcase from where Lillian Garcia and Eden Stiles are sitting. He pounds Cena with it repeatedly.
Rollins sets up another table in the middle of the ring. He grandstands for a bit before telling Cena, “your time is up, my time is now!” Cena comes to life and tries to AA Rollins through a table. Rollins’ feet accidentally kick at the referee, and Cena tries the AA, but Rollins slinks out of it. He runs into the ropes and then bounces back to Cena and the table, doing an Olympic like hurdle over them both, and then turning and side kicking Cena in the face! What a maneuver!
Cena lies across the table. It makes for the perfect opportunity for Rollins to curb stomp him off the top rope, to which JBL says, “Get your DVR’s out!” What? Cena springs to life and then gives Rollins a second rope AA through the table. He would have won if the referee weren’t dead.
J&J attack Cena and get rid of any evidence. They set up another table and wake Rollins up. J&J set up Cena for a triple power bomb, a’ la The Shield. Cena fights back and gives J&J a double AA through the table they set up. Rollins comes back and the two fight to the apron. They fight on the apron before both men fall toward the table at the same time, ending the match.
Referee Mike Chioda calls for the bell. There is much confusion and the fans begin to boo. After a referee conference, one referee lifts Cena’s hand, and the other lift’s Rollins’ hand. Mike Chioda makes the decision that the match needs to just restart.
In this new day and age of monitors in the backstage area and instant replay, this is really dumb. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. Also, if Chioda wasn’t sure of a winner why did he call for the bell in the first place? Why?! Why?!
Cena AA’s Rollins through the announce table, but it does not break. So, the match continues! Great. Cena set up another table. Rollins looks dead at the announce table. Big Show suddenly appeared. He clears the ring of the excess broken tables and decides he’s going to put Cena through a table himself.
Rollins sets up another table in the middle of the ring. He grandstands for a bit before telling Cena, “your time is up, my time is now!” Cena comes to life and tries to AA Rollins through a table. Rollins’ feet accidentally kick at the referee, and Cena tries the AA, but Rollins slinks out of it. He runs into the ropes and then bounces back to Cena and the table, doing an Olympic like hurdle over them both, and then turning and side kicking Cena in the face! What a maneuver!
Cena lies across the table. It makes for the perfect opportunity for Rollins to curb stomp him off the top rope, to which JBL says, “Get your DVR’s out!” What? Cena springs to life and then gives Rollins a second rope AA through the table. He would have won if the referee weren’t dead.
J&J attack Cena and get rid of any evidence. They set up another table and wake Rollins up. J&J set up Cena for a triple power bomb, a’ la The Shield. Cena fights back and gives J&J a double AA through the table they set up. Rollins comes back and the two fight to the apron. They fight on the apron before both men fall toward the table at the same time, ending the match.
Referee Mike Chioda calls for the bell. There is much confusion and the fans begin to boo. After a referee conference, one referee lifts Cena’s hand, and the other lift’s Rollins’ hand. Mike Chioda makes the decision that the match needs to just restart.
In this new day and age of monitors in the backstage area and instant replay, this is really dumb. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. Also, if Chioda wasn’t sure of a winner why did he call for the bell in the first place? Why?! Why?!
Cena AA’s Rollins through the announce table, but it does not break. So, the match continues! Great. Cena set up another table. Rollins looks dead at the announce table. Big Show suddenly appeared. He clears the ring of the excess broken tables and decides he’s going to put Cena through a table himself.
That’s when Roman Reigns’ music hits. The 2014 Superstar of the Year comes through the crowd and goes after Big Show. He Superman punches Show, and then spears him through a table. He Superman punches Rollins into the arms of Cena, who AA’s him into a table. Match over! Thank the maker! Cena stares down Paul Heyman, and we’ll just see what happens tomorrow.
Byron Saxton interviews Nikki Bella. He asks Brie the burning question of why after what everything Nikki put her through did she decided to rejoin forces with her? Brie explains that she’s tired of getting asked that, and people need to know that blood is thicker than water. What? Really? Nikki once “I wish you’d died in the womb!” That’s the best they can give us after that incredibly awful feud, and that incredibly awful turn at Survivor Series? They basically told everyone that invested time into their horrible storyline that they didn’t matter. This is why the divas can’t get over, because WWE writers keep focusing on horrible crap like this and not on actual storylines with great women wrestlers. Bah. I’m not even going to review the match. Nikki Bella reached deep down and sprayed AJ Lee with Arrogance, and then did her finisher for the victory.
Kane Vs. Ryback in a Chairs match is next. The two duel with chairs, flop around, and then have a horrendous match. I was really into Ryback when he came back, because I really thought he was going to just come in and squash people. They completely ruin him by putting him in 15-20 minute matches; exposing his many weaknesses and making him look like a goon. Ryback gives Kane a Spinebuster through an open chair, and then wacks him across the back with another chair. As Ryback goes for the clothesline, Kane throws a chair in his face. Ryback comes back to hit the Shellshock and he gets the pin fall. Match over.
Rusev’s match is next. It appears that this match plays out just like every other Rusev Vs. Jack Swagger match there has ever been. Midway through the match a fight breaks out In the crowd. Most of the crowd turns to watch, since apparently a real life fight is way more interesting than the match in the ring. It’s interesting that this match is happening because Zeb Coulter was attacked backstage. If my mentor were attacked I’d be going after Rusev with more zest, not floundering around like I always do when wrestling the big man. There was absolutely no fire in Swagger. Rusev puts on the Accolade on Swagger, and Swaggy passes out. Lol, Rusev wins.
The main event was Ambrose Vs. Wyatt. Just to save you the exhaustion, Ambrose lays out Wyatt multiple times during this match. He finds a television monitor under the ring, and goes to hit Wyatt with it, but it explodes in his face! This is just like the time Harvey Whippleman went to take Hulk Hogan’s picture and the camera exploded in his face. This was terrible. Wyatt hits him with Sister Abigail and the match is over.
What was infuriating about this PPV was that outside of Ziggler and Harper, no one seemed to put any effort into the show. The 26 writers backstage are all at the mercy of one befuddled old man who is so behind with the times that he actually thought Randy Orton Vs. Batista would be the greatest WrestleMania main event of all time. This coming off the heels of a dynamite NXT show. Crap like this is why WWE’s roster is frustrated and complacent. This is also why arenas for Monday Night Raw are half full, why crowds don’t pop for anything, and also why they get bored and start coming up with their own stupid chants. Wake up!
What was infuriating about this PPV was that outside of Ziggler and Harper, no one seemed to put any effort into the show. The 26 writers backstage are all at the mercy of one befuddled old man who is so behind with the times that he actually thought Randy Orton Vs. Batista would be the greatest WrestleMania main event of all time. This coming off the heels of a dynamite NXT show. Crap like this is why WWE’s roster is frustrated and complacent. This is also why arenas for Monday Night Raw are half full, why crowds don’t pop for anything, and also why they get bored and start coming up with their own stupid chants. Wake up!